If you want a damn job use your brain

Volume 1 Issue 2

So recently I have had the daunting task of trying to hire 2 new employees at the hospital. One position is for a part-time, possibly full-time, Client Care Representative; and the other is for a part-time assistant . My current CCR has started attending vet tech school and is unavailable a vast majority of the day. Then my current assistant has decided to go full time at the local Animal Emergency Clinic. Thus, the process of hiring begins. It is-and always has been- extremely stressful. It is so hard to judge someone by just a piece of paper; yet it must be done.

I posted an ad on Craigslist.org Tuesday of last week at 9am and also posted the information on my Facebook page so all of my fellow vet friends could see the opportunity. I figured that I would get a few responses that day, and gain a few more during the week. Well, by 11am I had received a total of 47 resumes. So, within 2 hours I had 47; that's more than 20 an hour, almost 1 resume every 3 minutes! I was excited, but my excitement quickly faded to stress and fear at the task that lie ahead.

After looking at about 10 submissions -most a cover letter of some sort and a resume- it became evident that the rate of submission was not going to be enough for me to find the person i needed. I was astounded, disgusted, and ashamed at some of the resumes I had to read. So, as a favor to the world -many of which I believe are currently looking for a job- I am going to tell you just a few things that us managers look for in a resume.

First of all, your cover letter should not consist the following:

• Exclamation points- I don't care how excited you claim to be about any damn opportunity, this is a business relationship and should be regarded as such
• Misspelled words- If you are going to misspell a word on your resume -the most important document in your life next to a diploma- then I sure as hell don't want you working for me, effing up all of my shit
• Assumptions that the individual reading your cover letter is a female. I have a penis, I am a he, sir, or gentleman. By you making assumptions it only shows that you are narrow minded in thought, even when you necessarily may not be.
• Lengthy explanations on how fantastic you are at your present/most recent employer. I will the judge of that. I will call references and see what your actual employer has to say, and let them tell me if you are/were a fantastic employee.

Your cover letter should be brief and to the point. A full page letter is not going to work with my schedule. I want to be able to look at your resume, and cover letter in less than 60 seconds. If it looks good, I will set it in the keep pile, and look at it again.

Your resume is the only thing a future employer has to see your experience, education, skills, and goal without having to talk to you. Yet, within that sheet of paper, your future employer can gain a wealth of knowledge about you as a person.

• Your attention to detail is evident in your resume. Just like a cover letter if something is misspelled don't even bother waiting for a response from your submission. If you are too damn lazy to proof your resume you are obviously to stupid to work for me.
• Who the hell taught you that it's okay for your resume to be 4 pages? Whoever taught you that is a damn idiot and should be ashamed of themselves for even spreading that filthy knowledge. What makes you think I have time to read 4 pages of bullshit? A RESUME SHOULD BE NO MORE THAN 1 PAGE. You're going to have to hit key points and achievements at your past jobs. I don't need to know everything you did and what your responsibilities were.
• No where in a resume do you place past salary.
• No where in a resume do you place abbreviations for degrees, certifications, or organizations. I'm not a damn infinite wealth of knowledge. I don't know what the hell a TCCAC is or who the f*** WKFOA is. Are you stupid? If you abbreviate on a resume then yes, yes you are.
• I want education. Resumes should ALWAYS contain educational information.
• It is of no interest to me your hobbies, kids names, what your spouse/significant other does for a living, or what you do on your free time. That shit does not go on a resume. Focus on getting hired first, not being my friend.
• Where in the great book of life skills does it tell you to have no format? Resumes have a format. If you need to know it then you're not qualified for the job. That should be something you learned in school and valuable information you retained and will retain until your senile ass is doped up on Aricept, trying to not crap your Depends in the nursing home. I would like to take this time to thank my lovely High School English Teacher Mrs. Suzanne Rainey for instilling me with the skills needed to succeed in business.
• Pictures, clip-art, borders, crazy ass fonts, or signatures. What?!? Seriously?
• Your commitment is displayed. If you are bouncing from job to job that looks sketchy. I don't care if you had a baby within three months of getting a job and you left, it looks HORRIBLE on a resume. Your potential employer will only suspect the worst when we see that you were employed from 2006-2007, or even worse, 2006-2006. What the hell is wrong with you that you can't keep a job for longer than a year? Assumptions are made in the submission of your resume, and those assumptions are all a future employer has to go on.

To follow-up on that last point. It is hard to find a job, it is hard to find the job you want. It is even harder to find the job you will love for the rest of your life. Yet, you cannot always settle for a job. There are times where you have to do what you have to do to get the bills paid; yet this should not mean you go apply at a job you know you may leave in 6 months. Who the hell are you to waste an employers time on training when you know you're just going to leave? If you make the employer aware of the fact you are not intending to stay long-term and they still hire you, then great. But you should never withhold the fact that you are only working there to pay bills until a better opportunity comes along. I don't care if it's McDonald's, or picking up cigarette butts up off the floor of a whore house, never in all the days of this world do you have the right and privilege to waste an employers time.

The business world is hard. I never imagined that the atmosphere of the business world would be so, but it is. You have to know what you want, know how to get it, and have the balls to get it.

When I posted the job information on my Facebook page, my dear friend Stephanie expressed interest in the position, but followed up with, "I'm interested, but I don't want to be selfish if others need it that are unemployed. Let me know if others don't work out!"

My answer to Stephanie was:

"There is no such thing as selfish in the business world, You seize the opportunity and if others miss out then they didn't act soon enough. If it's something you want in life you have to go for it, you can't sit around and wait for opportunities to come to you. When an opportunity arises that you thing would be an excellent opportunity or something "you've always wanted to do", you have to act upon it and hope for the best, if it doesn't work out then at least you tried and you can feel confident in that fact. It's when we sit around and let opportunities pass us by when we become sloth."

So, there it is. Sit on that little golden nugget for awhile and, if after 24 hours you still need some explanation, shoot me a comment, and I'll get back to you.

Good luck to all of you trying to find a job. If you need help with your resume, or cover letter, let me know. I'll help you as much as I can.

It's 12 o'clock a.m. and this is Colin.Always. Always.